Have you thought of someone else today?

September 4 is Peter’s birthday–the child that I sponsor in Uganda.  I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately.  There are so many little things that occupy my mind that are wrong with my life. 

For example, this morning as I drove into work, I was whining, in my head, about how cold it was going to be in the office.  But–I had complete assurance that I would have food in my stomach; clean, cold, fresh water to drink; doctors, dentists, healthcare galore at my disposal.  I’ve graduated from both high school and university.  I have a job that pays me, like clockwork, every two weeks.

In Uganda, HIV is the norm, not an aberration.  If it rains too little–or too much–their food supply dries up.  There is constant civil unrest and noone to protect or speak for the poor.  Education is a privelege, not a right.  Air conditioning is uncommon, to say the least.  Owning a car–unheard of for the masses.

While I am on vacation, I will be preparing a little gift for Peter.  I would love to give him the world-because he has opened my eyes to the much that I have, even if it seems like I have nothing.

Who has impacted your life?  More importantly, whose life have you impacted today?  You can always click on the link at the top right of my blog and change the direction of a child’s life forever.  For around $40 a month. 

Just saying…

 

Random thoughts…strung together

I think I may have lost my status as a compassion blogger.  Maybe because I only have like 3 readers on a daily basis.  Maybe because I posted my blog…ummm…yeah….the day it was due.  Mental note to self…

This is kind of a weird time right now.  I’m definitely in the moment of where I am…but I am also definitely looking forward to certain events that will occur in the near future.  It’s kind of difficult to maintain the balance of the here and now and planning for the future.  I guess that is why the Bible is rather clear that you are only guarnateed today, not tomorrow.  And unless someone has invented a time machine, I certainly can’t head back in time to change things I may want to change.  Darn that Eckhart Tolle…he’s messing up my mind.  In a good way, I suppose.

I went for a walk last night.  My sister and her dog left me in the dust…but you know what?  I didn’t mind.  It just felt good to get the heart pumping and to have sweat pouring down.  When I last went for a walk, that kind of ticked me off.  Maybe on my vacation, I work on making exercise a habit.  I’ll add that to the life goals that I’ve yet to write down.  It was nice, too, to have some “alone time,” plug into the iPod and remove myself from the mundane stuff that has been bogging me down lately.

 

Exciting stuff goin’ on

There is some exciting stuff going on in my life right now.  The other day, I was so down and out…honestly, driving into work this morning, I was totally down.  Honestly, my circumstances haven’t changed just yet.  But now I have hope. 

Hope is a strange thing.  Intangible, yet life-giving.  I went to YouVersion to do a search on the word hope, and, to my surprise, the book with the most instances of hope is Job.  Yeah…that guy…the only book of the Bible that scares me more than Job is Jonah. 

What is it that has given me hope?  I cannot answer any questions on my blog right now.  If you know me and want to know what’s going on, ask.  But not on here.  Hopefully details will be released sooner than later.

Oh yeah.  I’m on vacation next week.  Anyone in the Philadelphia area want to hang out?  I’m available

 

More personal update

If you are reading this, I covet your prayers.  Or a kind thought.  Or your understanding.

My family is going through a bit of a transition right now.  My family in Syracuse.  My Oma (my father’s mother) is moving in with my aunt and uncle.  It’s a rather natural transition…but for some reason, I’m not emotionally handling it as well as I thought I would.  I know it’s for the best…my Oma shouldn’t live in a big house by herself.  She’s almost 81.  But for some reason, it’s hitting hard.  I’m going to visit her next week while I’m on vacation.  But still.

Also…next Friday, my youngest nephew is having surgery on one of his kidneys.  He has a valve in his kidney that doesn’t shut all the way, so urine goes back into his kidney instead of fully evacuating.  The surgery he’s having is 98% effective, but for a few weeks, our house is going to be in a bit of turmoil.  He’ll be in the hospital for 2-3 days, which means we’ll have 2 kids at home, a bit unsettled with their kid brother in the hospital and with their parents in Wilmington, DE with their brother.

So that is just the tip of the iceberg right now.  I wanted to give a bit of an update on life.

 

I know I should…but I don’t have the time

This morning on my way to work, I found myself thinking, I know I should be writing but I don’t have the time.  I took a step back, and really thought about what I had thought.

The lie is that I don’t have the time to do those things that I need to do:  exercise, plan my days, plan my meals, write, spend time with friends.  You get the picture. 

The truth of the matter is that if I exercised some time management skills, those which I claim to have, that I have a whole lot of extra time.  How many hours do I spend looking at facebook, adding friends, tending to gardens “for a good cause,” watching television…you get the idea. 

What I lack is not time but discipline.  If I truly want to write the next great American novel, or even something that people might read, I have to discipline myself to do what needs to be done to accomplish that goal. 

So, here’s to discipline.  I’ve still not written out the goals, vision, plan for my life.  I am on vacation next week, so I will take some time away from the pack to write.

 

Goals, vision, plans

This weekend I am working on writing down some goals, my vision for what I would like my life to look like and plans to attain the goals and vision.  It sounds so simple.

Putting things down on paper, for me at least, makes them real.  It will give them life.  And what’s worse for me is that I have a friend who is going to hold me accountable. 

Hopefully there will be some visible, tangible changes in my life.  Coming soon to a Deneen near you.

 

Fear of intimacy

I’ll just jump into it.  I have a fear of intimacy.  This fear goes across the board.  I actually tried to avoid even writing this post.  I had something more “interactive” planned.  A let’s talk post.  In the spirit of authenticity, I find myself writing the one post I didn’t want to.

Fear of intimacy.   My problem goes across the board…men, women, family, friends.  The root of this fear is pretty deep for me.  I had someone break my trust deeply…someone I thought I could trust.  I know that you’re not the guy who hurt me, but for some reason, I automatically put up the guard to my heart whenever we talk, whenever I feel like you’re getting too close. 

I had a female friend break my trust in high school.  I thought she was one of my best friends.  I learned the hard way that she wasn’t.  When she slept with my boyfriend.  Ouch.  So now, I instinctively put up a guard around my heart and won’t let you get too close. 

You see, I have all sorts of excuses.  The fact of the matter is that I have to work on this issue.  But I’m afraid.  I’m afraid that you are going to see my heart and not care for it the way that it needs to be cared for.  Or worse, that you will see my heart and disrespect those things that make me who I am. 

What frightens me the most?  Is that you will see my heart and like what you see.  And then you might want to see more of me. 

Does anyone else fear intimacy?  Have you overcome this fear?  Please…give me some pointers. 

 

Self editing

Work is a huge struggle right now.  I feel trapped.  I feel like I’m suffocating.  I am torn in half. 

I love my job—it’s the “stuff” that is going along with it that I can not take. 

My department is repeatedly receiving emails questioning our diligence and our time management skills.  Our managers are on the road, supposed to be selling our wares, so we are in different locations. 

I understand and appreciate accountability.  I welcome accountability.  But accountability is holding me responsible for my actions—or lack thereof if that is applicable.  It is not accusing me of not working the correct number of hours; it is not making me feel guilty for leaving the office for a few minutes.

There is the question of integrity.  Let your yes be yes and your no be no.  In the business world, if you give someone your word, you should follow through with it.  If you promise someone a certain amount of money, it should be supplied.  If you say that you are going to do something, you should do it.  Unfortunately, in the climate of the world right now, you have to get everything in writing. 

Right now I’m torn in half.  I have this problem—I am very defensive of people I care about.  Like a lioness.  It’s really not something that I can control.  It is actually one of the qualities that I really like about me.  So I find myself protecting those I care about.  I do it without any agenda…just because that it who I am.  One day it may bite me on the butt.  That is a risk that I am willing to take.  At the end of the day, I can look myself in the mirror.  And I can sleep through the night.

 

Fear of rejection

In life we don’t get what we want, we get in life what we are. If we want more we have to be able to be more, in order to be more you have to face rejection. Farrah Gray

 

Over the past few months, several people have tried to talk me into becoming a sales representative.  I would love the unlimited income potential…not gonna lie.  I love to talk to people.  I love not being confined to an office.  But—there is one thing that holds me back.  A fear of rejection. 

No one likes rejection.  Some people allow rejection to roll off of them like water off a duck’s back.  I am not one of those people.  I take rejection personally.  I know—toughen up kiddo.  Put on your big girl pants and get over it.  Were it only that simple. 

Fear of rejection hinders more aspects of my life than the decision of whether or not to be a sales representative.  It could even hinder some of my relationships.  Hypothetically, I have no plans for Friday night.  I call my friend, see if she wants to meet up for drinks.   She says no.  I have two options for a reaction.  One is sane.  One is insane.  Sanity tells me that my friend is busy and cannot meet for drinks.  End of story.  Insanity allows my imagination to run rampant, coming up with a thousand reason why she can’t meet up for drinks.  She is mad at me(rejection).  She doesn’t want to spend time with me(rejection). 

No is not necessarily rejection.  Here in the US, we are not taught the art of no.  We feel compelled to say yes when we mean no because of our own fear of rejection.

The Bible is pretty simple on this subject.  Matthew 5:37 says, “Let your yes be yes and your no, no.”  Perhaps if we lived by this principle (if I lived by this principle) the fear of rejection would subside.

What relationship are you not developing or pursuing for a fear of rejection?

 

Fear of success

I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.  Bill Cosby

I fear that which I most desire.  Just being honest. 

One of my dreams is to work for myself one day.  I don’t want to have to punch a clock, having people watch my every move, making sure that they are getting every minute out of me for which I am being paid.  I want to be given a project, a deadline, and I want to be able to do that project to the best of my ability and get paid well for it.  Whether it takes me 50 minutes or 50 hours of 500 hours. 

But, what if that happens?  Then I am responsible for finding the projects.  And executing the projects.  What if I am so good that I have too many projects to complete?  What happens if I have an excellent reputation for the work that I do? 

My other fear pertaining to success is this:  What happens after I’m successful at this dream?  What comes next?  Is that all that there is, or is there more?  Will this success truly fulfill me?

Intuitively, it seems insane to fear success.  But I’m fairly certain that I’m not the only person that fears realizing my dream. 

What dream, if it becomes a reality, scares the sleep out of you?